"We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine..." or Show 3 of the Prototypes

The opening of Godspeed You! Black Emperor's "The Death Flag Blues" on paper would seem an unlikely opener to a show with it's hat firmly on the side of it's head, but when Danny follows the tracks opening words of the haunting monologue, which includes the line "we're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine and the machine is bleeding to death" with "Another message from the BBC", it seems to fit perfectly.

Tune in to any of Baker's shows, past and present, and you get entertaining chaos, for Danny has a policy of simply pitching up at the studio five minutes before the "on air" light goes on with a bunch of records, a hastily written list of subjects and a quick, ready wit. His skill has always been to make a show up on the hoof, often going off on hilarious tangents, and far more listenable than a perfectly scripted programme ever would.

Show 3 of the prototype podcasts, however, whilst it still has it's funny moments seems more disjointed than ever before. The ADBS still very much finding it's identity at this point, so maybe that explains the missing spark, or maybe Danny was just having one of those days.

However, as I stated, the show isn't without it's merits and merriment. Today's co-hosts are David Kuo and Baylen Leonard, and it is they who offer up the first laugh as Danny just 'happens to mention' that during a private off-air conversation David Kuo revealed that he didn't 'get' Baylen's sexual preference as he didn't think being gay had any point. This spat is referenced throughout the programme with Baylen's mock indignation become more hilarious, accusing him of being a homophobe, David blaming his view on Chinese culture.

Appearing desperate to bring a little order to the show, Baker tries to introduce 10 brand new subjects for listeners to email in about 3 or so at a time, (by the end of the programme he only reveals 8), but interrupts himself by almost giving out the BBC Radio London number and remembering a strand he introduced from the last show- stuttering on pop records, whereby he introduces a record by Jack Douglas as Alf Hippitittimus with a different speech impediment, brilliantly observed by David as "a hint of tourettes". The record is his take on "Way Down Upon The Swanny River" complete with Douglas's trademark vocal ticks. If you don't know who Jack Douglas or Alf Hippitittimus is, stop reading now and go and find out.

This is followed by a call from Ben Punter who tells his tale of the time he "drove through a rainbow" which leads Danny to be reminded of the first 3 subjects he didn't introduce, the first "Something that freaked you out" and No2 being "A time when no-one believed you", although the two are amalgamated as they go "hand in hand".
The talk of driving through rainbows and the like leads into talk of Baylen's flat being "haunted" by Mrs Lavender, a dead cat!!, and David's claim that he Astral travels, the ability to journey to anywhere in the world using mind power alone. This in re-enacted over a musical backdrop of the Hawaiian verion of the Star Trek theme. They travel as far as Mickey, the next caller, who having been hanging on whilst the initial subjects were revealed leaps right in with "a time when nobody believed me":- Whilst in heavy traffic in Brixton, he pulled his car aside to allow 3 cars through; the first 2 contained seven Vietnamese people in each, and the third vehicle had Max Wall in it. In true Baker stylee this prompts a story from his NME days when whilst covering an Ian Dury & The Blockheads tour, where Max Wall was remarkably the support act for the band. Wall, apparently died on his arse with the Blockheads fans giving him an appalling reaction. Backstage, Baker approached Wall and apologised for the fans behaviour, causing Max to interrupt by saying "Listen, son, I've died before, and I'll die again and tonight I died like a louse in a Russians beard"

More subjects are revealed to add to the others 3) Have you been anywhere you shouldn't have?
4) Injured by something ridiculous and 5) A song or Film that mentions or sounds like it mentions your name, before another caller who is introduced as Paula Yates, no Paul Yates. Paul reveals that his middle initial is A so is used to the confusion. Paul, again whilst hanging on to be put through leaps straight on a subject and tells of how he is freaked out by Rupert the Bear and has been since a kid.
He also reveals more of his psyché by stating that he can only go up any flight of stairs two at a time and that odd numbers of stairs freak him out. This, itself leads onto Danny claiming that he is unable to purchase petrol unless the pump reveals an even amount of cash to pay, as he somehow feels that the sales assistant will think less of him "they'd think I'm some kind of anarchist"

Another subject 6) Something I've Never Done ie; Baker has never seen a Rocky film, Baylen a Star Wars movie "Anything you've never done, David?" David: "No!" Danny: "Oh, I can think of something you've never done!", harking back to Kuo's fear of the homosexual lifestyle.

On to another feature (of sorts) from the previous 2 shows "Shoot Me, I'm A Session Musician". This week the bass player on a record by the Geoff Love Orchestra "The Theme From Shaft" who disastrously has trouble keeping time, most probably through not wanting to be there or unmoved by the wafer thin arrangement, being as it is "middle-aged white men getting down with the funk".

"And we're nearly done", but just enough time for a reprise of Jack Douglas's "...Swanny River" a rundown of the subjects revealed so far, plus a couple of added ones 7) What Have You Found? and 8) A Pop or Film star in reduced circumstances, and a finalé to give example for subject 5, playing the Clash's Complete Control which seemingly contains a nod to a terrestrial show listener Darryl Tomlin with the record "This is Darryl Tomlin calling!" (which is actually "This is Joe Public calling!" but is forever Darryl Tomlin now).

Ok, not the best of shows, but y'know what, having listened to it again, it aint that bad, and great pleasure can be derived from the fact that all of the subsequent podcasts are more than any good!

(Respec' to all of the callers to this show who all hail from Danny's fan site message board www.internettreehouse.co.uk. Ben (mrpunter), Mickey (Mickeyboy) and Paul A.Yates (Boris The Tonk).

"...ooh, I've really hit my head!" Show 2 of the Prototype Shows or "The Lost Show"

Firstly let's explain the "lost show" sub-heading this edition of the ADBS has been given: Baker explains in show 3 that this one "doesn't count" as early in on this show he hits his head (on what we don't know) and remembers nothing about the programme, and it goes on for an hour and 20 minutes approximately, instead of the planned 40-50 minutes. It was obviously available for a short while to download, hence the presence of this review, but was soon 'deleted' and can now only be acquired by approaching men wearing long brown macs in backstreet pubs and speaking in hushed tones.

The show begins with a funeral intro, with Danny introducing the service's attendees to the death of radio's memorial. This is inspired allegedly by a BBC big-wig who on approaching Baker whispered with reference to his venture into podcasting (after only one show, let us not forget) that he is the "nightmare the industry's been dreading". While the BBC were busy promoting some of their other presenters official podcasts, essentially re-hashes of their BBC shows, the corporation wanted absolutely nothing to do with promoting the ADBS. Baker would have no interest in a podcast that was a best of his afternoon BBCLondon show, but I believe the ADBS would be still in existence now were they to have helped finance it, and promoted it as a sister show. Still, they didn't, and instead had to rely on a pony-tailed con-man to eventually balls up several thousand people's favourite daily internet radio show. Ho hum.
Baker has a real talent for characterisation. Not impressions, but character's that help embellish a story or emphasise a point or gag. His hushed, respectful funeral director voice against a backdrop of generic funeral organ music is worthy of any character actor, let alone a man resigned to working in local radio weekday afternoons. I was hoping to bring a YouTube clip of this intro to accompany this guide, however it appears to not exist anymore, most probably due to the programme's lost show status. It would lose a lot in translation to transcribe the piece word for word here, but of all the ADBS intros I feel this is my favourite.

As the "service" was about to begin, and Baylen utters a respectful "goodbye radio", the Candyman theme kicks in, with Danny declaring "Of course I jest, we're not here to kill radio, we are here to enhance it".
Today's show's sees the return of David Kuo and the introduction of Baylen Leonard. It was meant to be just Baylen but Kuo was brought in as well, as "people thought you were like Gervais's sidekick", and "got him in especially to do that kind of thing",
and to prove that he really is like he is.

Although Baker's shows have always thrived on spontanaiety, it sounded like Danny had planned this show to be a Beatles themed show, with hopes to get Paul McCartney on the phone, as well as his own sister to finally reveal her reportedly amazing link to the Fab Four, but the head-hitting incident several minutes before, neither come to fruition and only get passing references throughout the show. Whilst talking about this, Baker tells the story of Heather Mills (pre-divorce) when they worked together on Peter Kay's Amarillo video, and how, when told by the director that they were to match on a treadmill, she pulled from her bag another false leg with a flat shoe already attached.

Music played in podcasts is still a minefield and rarely occurs, Baker refused to recognise this strange ruling early doors and played tunes both willy and nilly, so time for a record "Johnny Remember Me" by John Leyton "here's a record I still think is in the charts"

This is followed by one of David's stories from his bizarre personal life, this one being his belief, from his Chinese heritage that you can wash bad luck from your body with water, and recounts a tale of his visit to a Casino where he wasn't having a lot of luck at the tables so went to the toilets to wash his feet. This story has been told by Kuo on the terrestrial show, but Baylen introduces another wrinkle to the bizarre belief by asking how Kuo dried his feet before re-entering the Casino. It was revealed that he used toilet roll to which Baker recoils in horror, "oh, how revolting!"

A clip is played of a drunken John Wayne making a speech at an awards ceremony which is as funny as it is cringe-worthy.

An email from a Damien who says he didn't want to come on air as he has a pronounced stutter sparks off a trilogy of records played featuring stuttering vocalists.

Next, a story from Baylen (from Tennessee) about a time his brother Jerry sat in a furniture shop window in his home town for a week in the hope of winning a thousand dollars as part of a store promotion (the prize was eventually shared between other contestants doing the same in other branches of the store, thus making his prize around 25 dollars). The real funny aspect of this tale is Baylen's impersonation of his mother's reaction to this feat and how proud she was of Jerry for doing it, compared to her thoughts on Baylen forging a respectable radio career in the UK. "So, how is it there in London, England? Y'know what Jerry's doing? He's sittin' in a windah, what you doing with your liiiife?"

This brings the conversation to David Kuo's early married years. Much mockery is made of the fact that when moving into his marital home his wife and himself used newspapers for curtains and chairs made from orange boxes; "Newspaper Curtains and Orange Box Chairs, it's like Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" Baker comments.

A caller is brought in, Simon from Southfield, and leading from the previous conversation Danny asks how poor was Simon as a kid, who reveals he would negotiate for comics at his local newsagent by offering 5p over the 10p cover price by buying the current edition a day before the next one went on sale. This leads on to talk of comics past, as will happen when 3 or more men gather. Danny recalls reading a Colenol Blimp strip in the Topper comic out loud as a lad, and his Dad overhearing being appalled at the lead character calling someone a "twot", "What did he say?!" exclaimed his Dad, "Give us that here" snatching it from the young Baker's hands and threatening to write to the editor of The Topper.
Danny asks why Simon is tugging at the coat of the show, which was to inform him that Simon hated it when Baker would turn up at Millwall games as he would give running commentaries throughout the game " {off mike to producer}Thanks for the call!"

Next, a great record from, I believe the 70s, featuring Ronnie Corbett "It's All Going Up, Up, Up!" a comment on that years budget and the burden of inflation in general. Eat yer heart out, Billy Braggs!

An email from Ben Punter, offering to become an assistant to the people of the past (a reference to the Baker tradition of giveaways and listener clubs and the fact that now a podcast, people will be now listening in the future!), before, a call from let's face it, the real star of the show, err, me. A bit of sport is made of my unusual surname before I recount a previous corrspondence I made to one of Danny's shows on Virgin about the only way to eat Cadbury's chocolate fingers - biting a small section off each end and inserting it in to hot tea, then using the finger as a straw - "behooooold the chocolate finger straaaawwww!"
Clearly desperate for a little more airtime I recall one of the other callers contributions to that Virgin show's topic - "unusual ways to eat sweetmeats" - the Faux Mozerella Jelly Baby ball, in which 3 jelly babies are rolled into one big ball and eaten as such. And then I'm gorn, all too soon.

A little discussion on Chinese communal eating ensues before Danny once again flouts the copyright laws by playing a Mavericks record.
More oriental restaurant talk, then David crowbars a story in about his wife driving off without him whilst he shut the gates, which he enjoys more than everyone else does.

Resigned to the fact that McCartney isn't calling, he decides to call his sister in the hope of her revealing her Beatles connection. An edit point reveals that he is unable to get hold of her, which he is actually a little relieved about as she "has threatened me with penalty of Death" if he was to as much as give a hint to what the link is.

Finishing with a clip of Marlon Brando bad-mouthing Burt Reynolds before the "Candyman" themes signals the end of a long (in podcast terms) show.

I was a bit irked at first when the show disappeared from W****t and iTunes after a few days, but now feel strangely proud that I took part in "the lost show", gives off an air of gravitas! Anyone want a copy of the show? Bidding starts at 5 'G's'.

[an additional bit re the callers and email contributor to this show: as, at this stage the shows were prototypes with little or no promotion, an appeal was made via the message board of Danny Baker's archive site www.internettreehouse.co.uk for contributor's to email their number for possible inclusion on the programme. so props to Brilleaux, mrpunter, and myself LeeM]

"...and a chicken in every pot?" Show 1 of the Prototype shows.

Despite the scripted opener, in which Danny talks to the "internet", as if it's this futuristic being, the whole of this first show is really an hour-long feeling the way, and on-air rehearsal for what the ADBS was to become. Danny's regular radio shows are fuelled by listeners calls in response to the kind of categories that every no good-nick zoo radio host now adopts, somesay copies. In Cyberspace, however, with shows recorded in the future, the immediate caller response isn't of course possible.
In this first show, "like a magazine, we'll have to make up the letters page", which takes the form of calling up regular listeners/contributors from the "earth-bound" shows, namely "Sharon in Sutton", "Keithy Baby, Baby Keithy!" and "John".

As the "theme tune", a karaoke version of Candyman kicks, todays co-host David Kuo is introduced. Kuo's on-air relationship with Baker began back in the BBC London Breakfast Show days, where he would appear to present the latest financial news, being as he is a genuine, bona fide financial adviser. Baker, never your regular straight-laced radio presenter would use the spot to riff on the preposterous nature of David's stories making for far better radio than was ever intended. Kuo, as a consequence became a great foil for Baker, and would eventually become an occasional co-host on Baker's Afternoon Retreat shows, where he would become known for the bizarre episodes from his personal life and wheezy giggling.
To give new listeners a proper introduction to Kuo's stories, David is coaxed into telling the "Chicken story", which involved his childhood family pet chicken, complete with claws painted with nail varnish, being served as a meal.

Next, the first of the "callers" is brought in, Sharon from Sutton, a hairdresser, who is strong-armed into declaring that this venture into podcasting is the future, following her initial response that it will never be as good as proper radio. Back-referencing Sharon's previous correspondence on the "other shows", her story of her Mother's hobby of taking carrier bags, cutting them up and fashioning them into other multi-coloured bags is wheeled out.

A record is played "Rose Of England" by Nick Lowe (Happy Birthday, Nick!), before the second "caller" is brought in, "Keithy Baby, baby Keithy!", a regular correspondent from many of Baker's previous shows. During the call, Danny, apropos of nothing plays a couple of clips of Bing Crosby swearing during a recording session, and Keith reveals that, as part of one of Baker's previous "giveaways", he is eternally "Dr John" from an "adopt a rock star" feature, and upon recently meeting the actual Dr John, informed the legendary bluesman that he was him. Danny riffs on this idea, and how Dr John may have reacted to the news that a 6ft plus white bloke, "and rangy with it" was his alter ego: "man alive, I'm back on the pipe!"

Another one of David's stories from his personal life is prompted by a reference to a category from the earthbound BBC shows of "When Adults have cause to hide" and involves David, at the request of his wife clambering belly-style into his next door neighbours garden to discover why their garden was blooming and the Kuo's was not, only to discover that it was full of fake plants and plastic flowers.

Next up is a song accidentally played from Baker's collection of the oddity from a children's record of a version of the Pink Panther theme performed by a cove with an unfortunate speech impediment, rolling his R's: "the winky dink panther". This is followed by the song that Baker had intended to play, "My Community" by Tiny Tim, played as a possible illustration of the community spirit that is hoped that the ADBS will spawn, as Baker's previous shows have done.

The final caller "John" is brought in, with yet another retelling of former glories, John's being that he once tried to dispute Danny's ongoing claim that "glue doesn't work" by explaining that he once successfully superglued a false tooth cap that had fallen out, back among his regular teeth.

A feature is introduced: "Shoot me, I'm a session singer!" which hopes to reveal how some aspiring vocalists and musicians have paid the rent on their ascent into the showbusiness. Today's offering is a lacklustre version of the "Top Cat" theme (from the same album as the Pink Panther tune earlier in the show), with the weakest of musical arrangements - "That's reggae, aint it?" Danny comments, his voice laden with pixie-ish sarcasm - and vocals by a female singer with ideas above her station - "excuse me, Miss, are you Ella Fitzgerald?".

"Peter! Peter!" bellows into what turns out to be a silent phone line which is by way of introducing the show's special surprise guest, Peter Kay (despite his appearance being announced in the original download's heading). There are several attempts to connect to Kay, to no avail, before playing for time, and trying to coax another story from David which he duly does until being cut across mid-flow as Peter finally appears on the line. A slightly awkward, yet amusing conversation ensues, with Kay and Baker exchanging their recent forays into the world of musical theatre and Peter cheekily asking of Danny "so, when are you jumping ship then?" ..."remortgaging your house on a dream", with reference to the planned breakaway from the BBC shows.

And as a final burst of the Candyman song kicks in, here endeth the debut, somesay inaugral ADBS. A ramshackle show, no disputing, but Baker's talent has always been to do shows, flying on the seat of his spontaneous pants, and works well enough as an introduction to what is to come.

We'll start the show properly in a minute...

Good morning! Welcome to the All Day Breakfast Show episode guide, devoted to championing and logging the joy and fun contained with Danny Baker's venture into the world of podcasting. Unfortunately, the whole project ended on a sour note with Mr Baker, reportedly not receiving a penny from the revenue earned from the many thousand downloads attributed to the show. We may delve into the whys and wherefores of how all of that came to be, once our lawyers have gone over the story with a FTC, but let us not start on a downer, and let's concentrate on the positive, namely the contents of the ADBS, from the experimental "prototype shows", to the ambitious enthusiasm of the "In Color" episodes, this guide hopes to remind those who followed the adventures of the Candy Crew of the good times, and those who missed out to seek out the archive of episodes available.

The shows, as well as the Candyman himself features a trio of co-hosts, who appear sometimes as an ensemble, or as interchangable, individual right-hand men/woman; namely giggling financial expert David Kuo, Amy Lamé, and Baylen Leonard. Far from taking on the roles of sychophantic co-presenters that radio listeners have become accustomed to, these three bring their own individual facets to the proceedings. David, happily takes on the role of "foil" to Baker, Amy brings a little order to the show where necessary, and Baylen brings reliability, seemingly being the most in tune to the hosts mindset of the three.

Baker admits that in the 20 plus years he has been in the medium, he only has only ever had one radio show in him, led by his quick, trivia-filled mind and spontanaeity. The ADBS podcast though is clearly the liveliest version of that radio show, Danny's enthusiasm, often led by the wonder of the stories provided by the listenership, is evident throughout the run.

Hopefully, once the wounds of the shows bitter end have healed, the ADBS will return to a computer or iPod near you someday soon, but until then, as the project of chronicling the episodes lays before us like a great shoe with it's lights on, hopefully this blog will remind you of the unique internet phenomenon that was the All Day Breakfast Show.